Creativity

Endless Games

I thought it was normal,
I thought it was right,
I thought it was what happened,
To every girl, every night.
He made it a game,
Just something for fun,
It happened all the time,
And he always won.
He swore me to secrecy,
So I didn't say a thing,
He forced me to touch him,
Treat him like a king.
I thought it was my fault,
I think I still do,
Because of the things he said,
and the things he did too.
I let it go on
For so many years,
And now all I do,
Is sit here in tears.
My life seems so worthless,
No point to keep going,
I need so many answers,
But I go on not knowing.
How do I take away
all this guilt and pain?
How do I make my life
feel normal again?
Although what is normal?
I don't really know.
Because my life stopped being normal
So long, long ago.
Why do I feel
like I am to blame?
Is it because I agreed
to play along with his game?
Will this hurt stop?
Will my tears go away?
Will I continue to remember
Every single day?
Will I ever forgive him?
Will I ever forget?
Can I turn off my life
or just click reset?
Does he feel guilty?
Does he even care?
Does he realise now
what he did wasn't fair?
Does he know how I feel?
Does he even want to know?
Does he know that I'm feeling
much lower than low?
Why did he do it?
Why did I agree?
Why am I scared
to be the real me?
Will I learn to trust
or will I go on the same?
So scared to trust people
or will I go on the same?
Will I keep crying
millions of tears?
Can I let go of
all of my fears?
How do I deal with
all this anger inside?
When all I can do
is just go and hide.
I want to move on
But I don't know how
I want to forget everything
and just start from now.
I want to just smile
And say "life is good"
I want to change what happened
I know I would if I could.
I want to be able to sleep
and feel safe every night,
But every night when I dream
I wake up with a fright.
I cry myself to sleep,
Although no one can hear,
Because I hide it away,
I hide all my fear.
Sometimes I wish
I could just go away
To a place of no fear,
Just happiness to stay.
I'm scared for my future,
Of how life might be,
Of how I will feel,
If only I could see.
I honestly wonder,
How different I would be,
If I'd be the same,
If I didn't agree.
But how will I know,
There's no way I can change,
And for me a normal life,
Seems just out of range.
How will I cope
with this anger and pain,
Pain from agreeing
To play an endless game.

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Angel

I can't stand this any longer,
I can't take it anymore,
I'm only left one option
- To knock on heaven's door.

I hope God lets me in,
And takes me far away,
Cause I just can't take it,
I can't go on another day.

I hope God lets me in,
And takes me far away,
Cause I just can't take it,
I can't go on another day.

I can't stand to cry,
Another million tears,
I can't stand to go through,
Another million fears.

Please God just take me,
Let me fly away,
Let me be an angel,
I don't want to stay.

You know I can't forgive him,
And I know that that's a sin,
But please God just forgive me,
Please just let me in.

Let me see your kingdom,
Let me see the light,
I'm giving up the struggle,
I'm giving up the fight.

You know how I am feeling,
You know that things are wrong,
God, I'm begging you,
Don't let my life go on.

I want to be an angel,
And look down on the world,
God, you know I won't be missed,
I'm just a single girl.

You see me cry those tears each night,
You see me when I'm sad,
You see my pain and anger,
You can see I'm going mad.

This anger deep inside me,
Is killing me so much,
I need to see my heaven,
And feel an angel's touch.

You see that I'm not happy,
And God you are the key,
Take me away from this hell,
You'll find a happier me.

You know until you take me,
I'll keep all of this pain,
This hurt and guilt and anger,
Forever will remain.

Can't you see I'm hurting?
Can't you see me cry?
Can't you see that this will stay
Until the day I die?

That's why I am here knocking,
Upon your hidden door,
I want to be an angel,
Remain in heaven forever more.

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Answer

When the mind
succumbs to nothingness
and the body in its deepest sleep
gets deeper every second.
She will not wake.
She will not cry.
Peace.
She will find peace.
She was searching for an answer
- She found it.

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Too Late

I see myself falling,
I crash to the ground,
My world around me,
Comes tumbling down.

I cry endless tears,
But the pain is still there,
I see myself falling,
Through endless air.

My head's all mixed up,
I'm just so confused,
In this game of life,
I always lose.

My tears are a river,
Dragging me under,
The yelling and screaming
- lightning and thunder.

I've now fallen down,
I can't try again,
I'm just out of reach,
When you stretch out your hand.

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Choice

Confused.
Move on?
Hold on?
A decision to be made.
Which way to go?
Let go?
Fear, pain, hurt, guilt.
Turn it around.
Happiness, trust, positive.
The past?
The future?
What about the present?
What about now?
What to do?
Smile and move on?
Frown and go back?
Decision.
Choice.
Confusion.

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No More Shadows

A hand
reaches out
for eternity
twisting, turning,
reaching.

Another hand,
no strength,
weak
wanting to reach
failing to reach
dying.

Through fire,
storm and wind,
continuously,
strong, endless,
a help line forever.

Invisible connection,
reaching, stretching
connected!
At last - hope!
Strength
weakness gone.

Two hands
entwined
power, trust, hope.
No more shadows.
Light - darkness gone
forever.

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If I could run away...

If I could run away from all the pain inside
If all these knots I have weren't tied
If all the anger just floated away
If I could have just ONE good day

One day when I feel free to fly
One day not having to ask why
One day where I'm not wanting to scream
Just one day when I could dream.

If I could run away in my mind
Run away and out of this bind
Run away to mountains wide
To a place I don't have to hide.

Run away to the sea so blue
Run to where my dreams come true
Float away to the clouds above
Float away where I'd find love

But the clouds are grey and the storm is near
And in this storm I still feel the fear
And the mountains are too big to climb
And I'm running out of precious time

The sea is rough, the tides are high
And I am still here asking why
My wings are broken, I cannot glide
Still my pain is trapped inside

My self esteem is in the ground
Happiness isn't mean to be found
Well that's the conclusions I have drawn
A thousand times my heart was torn

The sun won't shine upon my face
My life is what they call a waste
No hope for me cause I was used
No hope for those who are abused

I'd like to prove them all to be wrong
But I can no longer hear my heart's song
I have to agree, my life is a waste
I am nothing, I take up space

I am told daily what I am worth
She resents the day of my unplanned birth
I am here now though I can't breathe
So I am guessing I should just leave

Should I turn my back and walk away?
Well there really is no more to say
I admit I'm running from the pain
But you'd prefer not to see me again

I can't call this place my home
Cause in a home, you're not meant to be alone
You're meant to feel love, happy, and free,
I should be allowed to be the real me

I've searched for peace, high and low
And I've realised that I have to go
It's my life I dont need you near
I'm driving now - I can steer

So take your hands off my wheel
Just have to play the cards they deal
It's my life - I have control
I need to feel that I am whole

Need to feel like I'm complete
Need not just to take a back seat
I'ts my life - I'm driving now
I didn't ask you to tell me how

I'm driving away - indicating right
I'm turning now - leaving the fight
When I drive away don't expect a wave
Don't talk to me - I'm in my cave

I want to spend some time alone
Let me decide where I call home
Don't say you'll miss me mum
Do you seriously think I am that dumb?

I can make it just with me
And for once I will be free!
I'll smile and laugh and cry if I must
I'll wipe my hands free of YOUR dust

All the past misery that I've been through
All the pain caused mainly by you
Will float away with the storm
And I pray to God your heart is torn

The clouds are gathering above your head
Remember all the things you've said?
I pray you remember every day
And that all your pain is there to stay

I won't be there whenever you cry
I won't be there when you ask why
And when you realise what you've done wrong
Don't think that I'll help you stay strong

Cause for all I care, if you are weak
And the thunder roar, and lightning streak
And the clouds open up above your head
Leave you wishing you were dead

When the boulders just roll and roll
When you are left out in the cold
When all around you trees fall down
When you heart and mind are completely bound

When the mountains are too high to climb
When YOU run out of precious time
When the sea is rough and the tides are high
And all you want is to say goodbye

When you're left living in fear
Don't ever think that I'll be near
Cause where are you when I need you mum,
I won't be there - don't be so dumb.

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At the moment...

At the moment there's one thing for me
Only one thing that will set me free
I'm ready to walk straight out that door
Cause right now I can't take anymore

I'm not a rag just to abuse
Try if you must, but I will refuse
I'm a person mum, why can't you see
That gradually you are killing me

Do you ever wonder why I always cry?
Did you care when you saw I wanted to die?
I needed help but you didn't care
All this pain is too much to bear

You are no help - I cope alone
Is it that your heart is stone?
Maybe you just can't face your fears
Face the fact I can't stop my tears

Face the fact he stole my heart
Face the fact you've torn me apart
Maybe it is that you hurt too
But who hurts more - me or you?

I am your child and you should see
There's so much anger inside of me
Mum I need help to get out of this mess
Just quit the crap - you don't know best.

If you were even half a mother
You would blame him - my darling brother
Cause he hurt me and took my life
Left me here holding a knife

Deciding whether to cut or not
Keep on fighting or quit the lot
So mum what is it - will you help me out
Don't leave me standing here in doubt

Cause I'm on the edge about to fall
Its up to you to play the ball
Help me live or push me down
Help me smile or let me frown

Mum, make the choice - it's in your court
Shall I just cut my life short?
Would you be content if I was gone
If I am weak, will you be strong

If I am far, will you be near
Throw me out or hold me dear
Its up to you - please make your choice
Speak now - let me hear your voice

Its not up to me what will be done
If I lose, I'll admit you've won
I'll give in if that's what you need
You are the flower, I'm just the seed

You've had your chance to grow and bloom
But you've left me in a darkened room
So ultimately you've made your decision
To kill me - was that your mission?

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