Kaz's Story

Author's note: I originally wrote the story of my abuse as a story, in the third person. I could not relate directly to the things that had happened to me, or bear to acknowledge the pain I felt, now or then. The original story as presented on this site was very personal and detailed. Now I feel it has served its purpose as a healing tool for me and so I now present a "condensed" account of my abuse during childhood.

Chapter One

I grew up in a family that probably looked very normal and happy from the outside. Mum, Dad, my little sister and me. We lived in a fairly prosperous town in the south of England and we were fairly well off.

However in any family there are always secrets unknown to the outside world and ours was no exception. When I was very young, the secrets in our family were the constant affairs my dad had.

My dad was a very charming and persuasive man. I don't think he liked or trusted any women but he pursued them relentlessly. He was unfaithful to my mum time and time again, often leaving her for months at a time to cope on her own, then asking to be taken back and forgiven, which she always did.

I idolised my dad and desperately sought his love and attention. The only time my dad would allow me to be with him was on his terms, i.e. to behave as an adult, and a male adult at that! He hated any display of what he called "stupid girlishness" and he could not deal with any negative emotions. If my sister or I started crying about something, for example if we had fallen and hurt ourselves, he would just tell us to "Shut up that racket or I'll really give you something to cry about". My sister ended up not caring what he thought and becoming much closer to my mum, but I really wanted my dad to approve of me, so I always tried to act grown-up and not like "a silly woman - like your mother".

As I got older, I developed physically very rapidly and I began wearing a brassiere at age ten. It was around this time my dad started his campaign to isolate me from my mum and sister and "groom" me so that he could abuse me. I know now this is common behaviour for an abuser.

His campaign was very subtle and cunning and essentially made me resent my mum, by his constantly telling me that my sister was my mum's favourite, that my mum and sister were "stupid women" but I was his "clever girl" and "as good as a boy". He took every opportunity to split the family into two camps with my mum and sister on one side and him and me on the other. And of course in my eagerness to prove myself worthy of his love, I took his part in everything and believed all that he told me.

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