Myths and Facts about Abuse

• The abused will become an abuser
• My children will also be victims
• All perpetrators are dirty old men in long rain coats
• Men who abuse/rape other men are gay
• Gay men/women are victims because of their sexuality
• If it was a one- off incident then that is easy to get over
• Perpetrators are all mentally sick and often cannot help themselves
• Only men sexually abuse
• It was not sexual abuse even though I was underage - I did not say "no" or "stop"
• Men cannot be sexually harassed or abused as they welcome all sexual touch

Looking at the list, we can see some common Myths - things that are not true but are often believed. So where do these myths come from and how can we disprove them to our peers who may believe them?

The abused will become the abuser: If I am told that then my reply would be, "If you believe that then please tell me how long you have been abusing?" This question is unexpected and people often reply, "What do you mean"? If the myth was true then most, if not all, of the world population would be abusers, because sexual abuse is part of what is seen as the oldest profession in the world. Child prostitution has been common for centuries. We cannot ignore the fact that rape and child abuse has been going on since time began. So by that logic, those prostitutes would all grow up to be abusers. Since they generally had large families, there would be a whole next generation of abused children to think about, who themselves would of course become abusers, and abuse their in-turn large families... By this time we would be all guilty if the myth was correct.

So where did this assumption come from? When a person is arrested for sexual offences their common excuse is, "It happened to me". What the people who decided that " abused become abusers" didn't look at was the vast amount of victims out there who have never told and maybe never will. Victims who have grown up and just got on with their own lives and never laid a finger on a child.

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My children will also be victims: It is often thought by the victim that their children will become victims. What needs to be closely looked at here is the question of is the victim expecting to become an abuser? Or that they will fail in protecting the child? Or maybe there is no real answer to their thoughts. Once it's in the victims mind that the abused do not go on to become abusers then they may feel the risk factor is lower and that the child is safe from/with them. Victims can often over- protect their children which in itself can be seen as a bad thing, but will certainly not lead directly to the child becoming an abuse victim.

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All perpetrators are dirty old men in long raincoats: The media has contributed to this myth more than any other factor. It portrays the stereotypical " flasher" in a long raincoat. The hard fact of the matter is that it could be anyone, anytime, who is the perpetrator. The church is often portrayed nowadays as a big threat in this way. However, looking logically at the matter, any high-profile group of people previously thought to be above suspicion would be likely to attract a large public outcry when one of their number is revealed as an abuser. Anyone of any profession, status, sex, culture or race can be a perpetrator. Not one group or organisation can be exempt.

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Men who abuse/rape other men are gay: It is often said that rape and sexual abuse is a power issue rather than a sexual issue. Some will agree, some will dispute that. I feel that we as victims need not look at the motives of our perpetrators, nor try to look for reasons why they do what they do. The fact of the matter is that it happened - and that gay men, heterosexual, bisexual men can be perpetrators or victims.

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Gay men/women are victims because of their sexuality: Any relationship can be abusive - male/female, male/male, female/female. It is true in my view and talking with gay men that they often become targets of abuse by heterosexual men. But any sexuality can be a target for a perpetrator, and the effects on the victim may vary, but the impact can be exactly the same.

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If it was a one- off incident then that is easy to get over: No matter if it happened once or one thousand times, the effects are still the same. Often this myth can be a way of minimising what happened either to yourself, or others around you. It still need dealing with in order to heal.

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Perpetrators are all mentally sick and often cannot help themselves: Who determines what is mentally sick? The medical profession? We, the general public? Our peers or friends? People are judged for mental health by their actions - what they say and do. We often have empathy for a slow talker or a person who stammers - is that a mental illness? The facts are that there are known mental illnesses and some unknown. If a person can commit such acts as they do with precise timing and are able to cover up their crime, either by threats to the victim, putting them in fear of telling or by persuasion that it is alright to do these things, can they be mentally ill? We need to look at all the facts on what they have done before anyone can determine the persons mental state. Either way, unless they admit to their problem and seek help, then there can be no room in a safe society for them.

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Only men sexually abuse: Many women have also sexually abused throughout history. Often it seems that abuse by women goes unreported, and is much more likely to be minimised by society, which seems to need to see women only in a maternal, nurturing role. Many feel that women only take part in abusive acts when coerced by men, e.g. a partner. That also is untrue. All we need to look at is childcare and women who are in a child-oriented environment in order to abuse children. In these cases no men are involved. What's to say that the woman does not lead the man into these acts? The facts are that both are responsible and both take equal blame.

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It was not sexual abuse even though I was underage - I did not say "no" or "stop": Many victims feel that they were to blame for what happened because they said nothing or did nothing to prevent it. Some so- called "experts" believe that because this is the case the victim was a willing party and that no harm was done, only what is now in the victims mind. WRONG - the perpetrator was possibly a person the victim trusted and who told the victim that it was alright to do these things and that age made no difference to love. In reality, if a person feels violated by what happened, then it was abuse. The adult should not have put the child in a position where he or she was unsure of what was right or wrong. The perpetrator is totally to blame.

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Men cannot be sexually harassed or abused as they welcome all sexual touch: Many male victims find that society tends to see their abuse as something they should have welcomed. A girl who is abused at 14 is treated with sympathy and understanding, but a boy of 14 who is groomed and abused by an older woman often meets the reaction of "lucky so-and-so". This attitude only serves to further alienate male survivors and makes it more difficult for them to start healing. Unwanted sexual touch is assault, no matter what the sexes of the people involved, and is as traumatic for a man as for a woman.

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