Forgiveness?

This article written by Kaz

Many times during my healing journey I have heard people talking about forgiveness, with some expressing the opinion that you will not be healed until you can forgive your abuser.

If I'd come across that opinion at the beginning of my healing, I don't know whether I'd be where I am today. Because to me, forgiveness would mean telling the people who hurt me, "It's okay that you did that." And that's something I'll never do.

The OED has "forgive" listed as:
"Remit, let off (debt etc.); give up resentment against; pardon (offender)."

I think it's important to make the distinction between forgiving the abuser and forgiving the fact that it happened.

That may seem a strange way of putting it, but once you understand it, it becomes clear.

I can say I haven't forgiven my dad for abusing me. I feel I never will. I retain resentment towards him and I do not pardon his actions.

However, I have forgiven the fact of the abuse - if you like, I've stopped saying "It isn't fair!" or "Why me?" I have ceased to be angry at the universe and the gods for letting it happen. I've let go of anger towards people who I felt had let me down - my mum, the school teachers, family friends who "should have seen what was happening, should have protected me".

One can liken it to the Catholic tradition of sins of omission and commission. My dad's abuse of me was a sin of commission. He wilfully and deliberately used me for his pleasure, with no regard to my pain. My mum, the teachers - they were guilty perhaps of sins of omission, done through ignorance, not malice.

I'm not a Christian, however, and while priests may choose to forgive sins of commission with Hail Mary's and Acts of Contrition, I choose not to. I have a personal faith that those who go through life using others as we have been used, treading on the hopes and dreams of children, persecuting the weak, the infirm, the old and young, the different, will learn through their own suffering in other lives just how wrong their actions are.

I believe that my anger towards my dad gives me power, not takes it away. My life is now full of emotions, and I choose to experience every one of them to the full - good and bad. I don't "let go" of the pain and anger, I experience it and allow it expression. Not to do so seems a betrayal of the suffering I went through and the bravery my child-self displayed in order to survive.

This is not forgiveness, this is acceptance. I believe that a large part of the healing process is working towards this acceptance and facing the truth of what happened. To stop the endless circle of "Why me?" and move onto, "Okay, it happened. Now let's work out where I am, where I want to be, and how to get there."

Some survivors may feel that they can forgive the person who hurt them and that this has helped them heal. I say, well done. You've made the choice to do that and it's helped you. But please don't think that's the only way to achieve healing. It's a personal choice for everyone and is not something you should ever feel pressurised or bullied into.

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