Kaz's Story

Chapter Three

So of course I followed my dad's instructions to the letter. My mum in any case was deeply shocked and, as she has told me in later years, had no idea how to handle the situation. In those days there was simply no public knowledge of child abuse, aside from the old "don't take sweets from strangers" campaign. Nobody talked about abuse in the family, and nobody knew what to do if it happened.

In fact my mum told me afterwards that she thought if she went to the police, they would laugh at her and tell her all men did it, it was a wife's duty to keep her husband happy enough that he wouldn't need to.

If I had thought that this would stop the abuse, I was wrong. When we returned from our family holiday the games continued as before, if not more viciously.

Eventually the whole thing came to a head when we were sent home from school with a notice that there was a teachers' strike the next week. Mum said I could spend the day at work with my dad. I begged her to let me spend the day with her instead. Mum got really annoyed because she had made plans. Eventually she asked me why I didn't want to go with my dad. Screwing up all my courage I muttered, "because every time I go there, he plays that game with me".

So, after two years, the games were finally over as my mum now made sure she never left me alone with my dad. She forced him to give me an incredibly insincere apology for "frightening me" (quite what the implications of this were I have no idea). So that was it, we were all supposed to pretend it never happened.

However the effects of abuse can never be forgotten or pretended away. I still lived in fear that the games would begin again. I also felt shamed that my mum now knew how bad I had been. I felt in fact utterly worthless and was constantly depressed.

It wasn't until I was 15 that I told the truth to the world, or at least someone outside the family. I had written a poem about my dad abusing me for English class, and my teacher sat me down and asked me if the poem was true.

At that point the school called in social services and the police. I had to give a statement to the police. I was told that if he contradicted my statement then it would go to court. He must have told the truth because it didn't go to court; I was told they had decided it would not be in the public interest to prosecute. (I was not given the choice, being under 18.)

My dad was forced to move out of the family home. There were a lot of recriminations between my mum and me for many years. She couldn't understand why I had chosen to "rake it all up again" after so many years (well, two!) had gone by. She couldn't accept that I had done it because I knew he was going to start on my little sister. I had seen the signs for a while. My mum would not believe this.

It took many years and a lot of tears and talking before mum and me were reconciled. Now we are very close and she is very supportive.

As an adult, I had to learn to overcome my feelings of guilt, shame, rage, worthlessness and confusion about sexuality. I went through therapy twice before finally deciding to heal, and with the help of a third therapist, anti-depressants and support from fellow survivors online, I made it through, although not before getting into another abusive relationship (but that's another story).

It's now fifteen years on, and I am finally free of my dad's shadow.

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